Every day we are provoked and drawn into conflicts: some concern us personally, in others we are involved unknowingly. Sociologist Christina Carter explains how to protect herself from numerous dramas that unfold around.
“You are incredibly cruel. I would never have done so with you “. One of the clients received such an unpleasant message, let’s call her sarah, from her ex -husband. He was angry because their daughter did not invite him to a wedding. Instead of finding out relations with his daughter, he assigned responsibility for her actions in Sarah. An unfair accusation hit a woman.
But the essence does not come down only to pumped up personal conflicts. It is difficult for us to protect ourselves from dramas that unfold around. If life flows quietly and peacefully, it is enough to pick up a smartphone to get the news that will knock out of the rut. Most of these dramas are at least distracting. It’s hard for us to just turn away and forget about them. The brain is “programmed” for the love of novelty, stimuli and social information. Drama combines these components.
But when we are surrounded by anxious events 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, we lose the opportunity to live a conscious life. Drama deprives us of calm, prevents us from reflecting and conducting deep conversations. If we have a constant source of drama, we get used to taking weak roles in lives. They destroy relationships and stimulate a sense of helplessness, shame or their own superiority.
This is how it happens. In 1968, psychologist Stephen Carpman developed the social model “Drama Triangle of Carpman”. He described three types of dysfunctional behavior that we demonstrate when we plunge into the interpersonal drama. Karpman admits that interpersonal conflicts entertain us and can even cause dependence. But they do harm to participants.
According to Karpman, there are three main roles in the conflict that form a triangle:
- The first and most familiar role is the victim. Please note that we are not talking about a real victim. This is a person who feels or behaves as if he is attacked or oppressed. Victims often feel depressed and helpless. At heart, they usually experience shame and often revel in pity to themselves.
- The victims determine the pursuer – a person who, in their opinion, attacks. They characterize the pursuer as a controlled and critic. When we assume the role of the pursuer, we often behave with anger, rigidity and a sense of superiority.
- Each victim has a rescuer who is trying to save her from inappropriate treatment. It is pleasant to try on the role of the rescuer, but it does not help. Despite the good intentions, the rescuer supports the drama, as it helps the victim to preserve his role.
These roles are seductive because they give us a sense of power, albeit false. The victims declare innocence, receive close attention of rescuers and avoid responsibility for their own lives. The pursuers receive the right to take the most powerful place and feel their superiority.
Rescuers experience righteous anger and empathy. They also feel superiority: both in relation to the victim and the pursuer. Rescuers avoid a negative shadow that hangs over the victim and the pursuer, but their role in the conflict is also not healthy. Focusing on someone else’s conflict is a common excuse to ignore your own problems. It is usually beneficial for rescuers so that the victim continues to feel weak and helpless, so they allow her to avoid changes and not take responsibility for her life.
These roles have so firmly grew into a cultural environment that we accept them without even noticing this. But they act like harmful food: they give short -term stimulation and a surge in force, but weaken us in the long term. Here are three tips that will help to avoid these dysfunctional roles.
1. Do not get involved
When Sarah received an unpleasant message from her ex -husband, he played the role of the victim, making Sarah the pursuer. He also entered the conflict of a common friend as a rescuer in the conflict. A friend also began to write to Sarah and ask her to help her ex -husband establish a relationship with her daughter.
Sarah had to make a choice: get involved in conflict or not. She could simply ignore an unpleasant message from her ex -husband or send him to talk with her daughter directly.
2. Call your thoughts
When Sarah was depicted as a villain, it was difficult for her not to get involved. She felt that it was impossible to ignore messages. This would give an ex -husband the reason to establish himself in his correctness. She wanted to protect herself in the face of an unfair accusation.
In addition, Sarah was sincerely sorry for her ex -husband, although she understood and supported her daughter’s decision. Sarah wanted to intervene in the conflict, although it had never ended with success before.
Remember one of the most important tactics to reduce stress – do not believe everything you think. In order not to fall into the dramatic triangle of Carpman, Sarah had to question his thoughts. It seemed to her that the situation would change for the better if she tries to fix it – that is, he would change the role of the pursuer to the role of the rescuer. Her involvement would only exacerbate the discord between her daughter and ex -husband.
3. Choose other roles
If the conflict cannot be avoided, you need to turn dysfunctional roles into productive.
Victims can become creators. To do this, you need to move the focus of attention from the problem to the result. What do we want to extract from this situation? When we take responsibility for the role that we play in the conflict, we change the false power of the victim for real power. We create a life we want.
Pursuers can become opponents. These people push the victim, which now becomes the Creator, to clarify their needs and focus on personal growth and development. Opponents always tell the truth, even if it is unpleasant.
The lifeguard can become a coach who considers the Creator as a person who is able to solve his own problems. The coach asks questions that help the Creator see opportunities for positive actions and focus on the fact that he really wants.
Back to the story of Sarah. As a result, she decided not to try to protect her ex -husband and not invent excuses for her daughter. She did not try to calm her husband, sending photos from the wedding. Having told the truth, she turned into an opponent. She also tried to take on the role of a coach. Sarah asked him what kind of relationship he would like to build with her daughter and what steps could be taken in order to achieve this. But the ex -husband did not seek to understand the problem or build a new relationship with his daughter. He did not receive the desired from Sarah, so he excluded it from the dramatic triangle and left it alone. For Sarah, silence was the completion of the conflict.